As we near the edge of 2014 and gaze beyond it to the blank
canvas of 2015, I can’t help but wonder what the new year will bring. Last week, I met with my therapist, and she
asked me to consider choosing a word that would be my focus of 2015. I’ve given that a lot of thought over the
past few days. New Year’s Eve and
birthdays always seem to be very emotional with me. Both tend to lead us to reflect upon both the
successes and the disappointments of the year before, but they also bring with
them thoughts of possibility.
One word that I’ve used to focus my energies in the past is ‘balance’. Balance is a good word. It’s also a safe word. No one is ever going to tell you that
‘balance’ is a bad thing to pursue.
We’re constantly told that we need to maintain a healthy work/life
balance. Of course, we’re often told
this right before something is about to throw out work/life balance to Hell and
back. With me trying to balance this
oddly shaped 3-seated teeter-totter of work, life, and school, no one would
ever discourage me from seeking balance, although they might secretly think
there’s no way on earth for me to ever actually achieve it.
Another word that I considered to help shape my 2015 is
‘vision’. As I begin to edge
uncomfortably closer to the big Four-Oh, I begin to ask more and more of those
mid-life crisis questions. Where is my
life going? Will I ever find true
love? Will I ever write that novel that
I know lays inside me? Will I be able to
successfully transition into my new career?
Will I ever have more money than I owe?
What’s going to happen on the second half of season five of ‘The Walking
Dead?’ These are legitimate questions
that I feel that I need to have answers to.
In order to begin moving forward towards the life I want, I need to have
a firm grasp on the vision of where I want to go, but, ultimately, I decided
that having vision wasn’t enough.
A third word that I considered was ‘health.’ I wasn’t going to limit my focus to only my
physical health. Our biological bodies
are only one aspect of us. We need
health in all areas of our lives, right?
I was going to sit down and develop plans for my physical, social,
emotional, financial, and spiritual well-being.
These would become the framework for my New Year’s resolutions. Each would come with goals and realistic,
measurable ways to track progress toward those goals. This is something that definitely needs to,
and has already started, to happen, but I still didn’t feel that this was the
right word.
I have long acknowledged my need for greater balance in
life. I tend to throw myself in one
direction with greater force to the detriment of the other areas of my
life. Recognizing this, I have often thought about
what the life I would like to have would look like. This envisioning have always stopped short of
creating actual dream or vision boards.
I believe that is something that I need to correct. Vision boards need to happen for all areas of
my life. I need to be able to see the
life that I want and chart a course to live into it. Hopefully, doing these things and creating
plans will lead to a healthier and more balanced life than I have had in the
past in all (or at least multiple) areas of my life.
I have had thoughts like this in the past. I will stand at the precipice of a
life-changing decision, staring out before me as if committing to the decision
means stepping out over a vast canyon below me.
I stare down into it, calculating the odds of me being able to traverse
down into the openness below with all of its unknown challenges. I know it would feel amazing if I
successfully made it to the bottom safely, but it just looks so scary. I’m sure that there are all kinds of unknown
challenges, things that I haven’t anticipated, or could likely even conceive
of. Also, what if I succeed? People might look at that and then expect me
to traverse down an even steeper and more treacherous canyon wall. As I gaze down into the canyon, I realize
that I am as afraid of the possibility of success as I am the possibility of
failure. Ultimately, I realized that
only one word characterizes how I need to enter into 2015…’JUMP!’ I need to grab hold of my rappelling line,
trust that it is secured, and I need to jump.
Planning is needed and essential, but, ultimately, a plan is just a nice
idea until it is put into action, and, so, it is time for me to jump!
~ Culbs
joshua.culbertson@gmail.com
© Joshua
Culbertson 2014
