A Little Bit Better?

A couple of years ago, I read Dan Harris’s book, ‘10% Happier.’ I've recommended it many times since. Dan’s willingness to share his story gives an encouraging and realistic first look at mindfulness practices. While I am, just now, beginning to actually work meditation into my own daily practices, it stuck with me. It also stressed the importance of not feeling like you have to conquer the mountain all at once. It is okay, and even admirable, to focus daily progress while not beating yourself up about the ways in which you may have fallen short. It's also important to have realistic expectations. Will meditation and other mindfulness practices allow you to live out the rest of your days in perfect peace and contentment? Probably not, but an outcome of being 10% happier seems like a pretty realistic hope, right? Anyway, if you have not read the book, I highly recommend it.

The point of this post, while it would be a worthy focus, is not to sell you on Dan Harris’s book. My intent here is multiple. First, I want to acknowledge that I often set goals and fail to meet them. For example, I am intending this post to be a return to regular blogging. If you've read any of my blogs, you know that I struggle to maintain a steady stream of regular content. This carries with it a secondary goal. By seeking to establish a pattern of regular writing, I hope to establish the habits that will someday help me to write a larger work such as a memoir or a novel. 

In addition to wanting to write more, I am seeking to be a better version of me in other ways. For instance, I have made an intentional, focused effort in 2017 on improving my health. So far this year, I have been able to lose nearly 40 lbs, taken my blood sugar numbers from pre-diabetic numbers back down to a healthy normal, and I have brought my cholesterol numbers until control. Blood pressure continues to be a tad high, but it is much improved from where it was. 

Also, the summer of 2017 has forced the LBGTQ+ community in my home town of Columbus, Ohio to take a much harder and much needed look at the role of race and gender within a community within a collective of persons who should understand the value of diversity. I was naive enough to think that, on some level, I got it in terms of race. I work in an African-American-focused counseling agency. My ex is black. I have no lingering doubts that persons who are black and brown experience the world very differently than I do, especially within the realm of law enforcement. Still, I failed to see the very real trauma that is experienced by many people of color when confronted with uniformed, or worse, armored police officers. I failed to recognize how systemic structures have benefited me and hindered those who do not look like me. I, simultaneously, feel like I have learned so much in the past few months and like I have learned nothing at all. I will be on this journey for the rest of my life, but a few media items that have helped me, as a white person, so far are:

Books:

1. ‘Waking Up White’ by Debby Irving
2. ‘Becoming Ms. Burton’ by Susan Burton
3. ‘The New Jim Crow’ by Michelle Alexander

Films:

1. ‘Detroit’ directed by Kathryn Bigelow
2. ‘ Whose Streets?’ directed by Sabaah Folayan and Damon Davis

I am also exploring how I can be a better inhabitant and steward of our planet. One way that I am doing that is by making the conscious choice to eat vegetarian. In addition to the health benefits and concerns for the humane treatment of animals, eating vegetarian had enormous benefits for the environment. The resources expended to raise, slaughter, process, package, and transport animals to be consumed for food are enormous. In addition, animals emit large amounts of methane gas themselves. All of this contributes to a weakening of our ecological system. I am also committing to taking a conscious look at my schedule each week and identifying at least two days that I can use public transit, leaving my car at home. My schedule, on some days, is too tight or I have to go too far to make public transportation a viable option, but, most weeks, I can find at least two days to make it work. It's not a complete fix, but it's a start.

So, those are some of the things that I am currently working on to make me a better version of me. I'm also currently working on getting some organization around my personal finances as well as ways to better organize my physical spaces. Plus, I'm sure that I will identify other areas with opportunities for improvement along the way. I invite you along to share in this journey, maybe learn something from my successes and/or mistakes, and to hold me accountable to this journey of intentional living and growth.

~ Culbs 

Good Job, Buddy!

Sometimes, it really is necessary for me to speak to myself like I’m a child, not in the sense that I’m talking down to myself, but in that I am talking myself up. Here’s the scenario: I am a yo-yo dieter. Go ahead. Look it up in the dictionary. My picture is there. I’m even a really bad yo-yo dieter because my highs and my lows both just keep getting higher. Any kind of New Year’s resolution, for me, never made it out of the concept phase. Plus, I’m not a fan of resolutions. Goals. I like goals. Goals are good. Goals are specific. Goals are measurable. My goal this week was, and still is, to workout every morning. So, I did some preparation:

1.) I put it on the calendar. If you don’t plan for it and create space for it, it doesn’t happen, right?

2.) I drove to the gym yesterday to renew my membership and to make sure

that I was active in their system.

Preparation is essential, but, ultimately, all of it is meaningless if we don’t act when the time comes. So, this morning, when the alarm goes off at 5:00 AM, I gave it a hefty amount of side eye, thought about it, and decided that, since I’d unexpectedly had to work last night, I was justified in maybe skipping this first day. I’d come at it with a renewed vigor tomorrow. I reset the alarm for 6:00 AM and attempted to go back to sleep. As I lay there, I reminded myself, from past experience, that I almost never actually achieve going back to sleep in these moments. Plus, I am scheduled to work even later tonight. I knew that when I planned my schedule for the week. Am I going to use that same excuse tomorrow?

I decided that I, at least, needed to get out of bed. One of my other goals for this week is to dedicate some time each day, on an on-going basis, to cleaning and organizing my apartment. So, I got up. I made it as far as my guest bedroom where I sat down at my desk, opened my laptop and began to reply to some e-mails. I began telling myself that just getting up this early was an accomplishment and a significant step towards working towards actually working out and taking a renewed focus in creating a healthy lifestyle. I do sincerely believe this by the way. You should recognize any positive steps that you take and speak encouragingly to yourself.

As I sat there at the desk, I reminded myself that, while most days, for me, are book pretty much back-to-back, today does have some flexibility in it in the morning. I could still make time for the gym if I’m really committed to doing this; so, I got up and grabbed my car keys. I hate having little tags and crap on my keys, but I had actually put the little gym card on there; because, I knew that, if I didn’t, not being able to find the card or forgetting the card would be my excuse. I went outside and got into the car. There was incredibly dense fog this morning. Again, my mind started trying to talk me out of it. Visibility is low. Driving there might not be safe. I don’t want my effort to get healthier to end with me being dead. Maybe I should just stay home, but I didn’t.

After driving to the gym, I, again, gave myself a little praise and told myself “good job.” Every step in establishing a new practice is significant. Again, I sat in the car wondering if I’d gotten enough “good jobs” for the day, but I decided that I was here. I might as well go in. Now, I should also share with you that, packaged in this, is another parallel channel of self-talk that’s going on. For me, the guy who was not only gay but also into pretty geeky things growing up, gym class in school was a pretty rough, sometimes traumatizing, experience. All of that comes with me when it comes to going to the gym and working out. I become that hesitant, awkward kid again in my head. Now, I am also someone who won’t let myself get away with that. I have never experienced that kind of overt judgment, teasing, and ridicule as an adult in a setting like this; so; for me, it’s much like getting a shot at the doctor’s office. I dread the experience each time, but, also, each time, I remind myself, again, as if speaking to a child, “See? That wasn’t so bad.”

Anyway, I did make it inside the gym, and I did accomplish my goal for today, and every day this week, which is just to go in, do 30 minutes on the treadmill, and leave. That’s it. This week is really just about establishing the habit of going, and, when I was done, I, again told myself, “Good job, buddy.”