Sometimes, it really is necessary
for me to speak to myself like I’m a child, not in the sense that I’m talking
down to myself, but in that I am talking myself up. Here’s the scenario: I am a
yo-yo dieter. Go ahead. Look it up in the dictionary. My picture is there. I’m
even a really bad yo-yo dieter because my highs and my lows both just keep
getting higher. Any kind of New Year’s resolution, for me, never made it out of
the concept phase. Plus, I’m not a fan of resolutions. Goals. I like goals.
Goals are good. Goals are specific. Goals are measurable. My goal this week
was, and still is, to workout every morning. So, I did some preparation:
1.) I put it on the calendar. If
you don’t plan for it and create space for it, it doesn’t happen, right?
2.) I drove to the gym yesterday to
renew my membership and to make sure
that I was active in their system.
Preparation is essential, but, ultimately, all of it is
meaningless if we don’t act when the time comes. So, this morning, when the
alarm goes off at 5:00 AM, I gave it a hefty amount of side eye, thought about
it, and decided that, since I’d unexpectedly had to work last night, I was
justified in maybe skipping this first day. I’d come at it with a renewed vigor
tomorrow. I reset the alarm for 6:00 AM and attempted to go back to sleep. As I
lay there, I reminded myself, from past experience, that I almost never
actually achieve going back to sleep in these moments. Plus, I am scheduled to
work even later tonight. I knew that when I planned my schedule for the week.
Am I going to use that same excuse tomorrow?
I decided that I, at least, needed
to get out of bed. One of my other goals for this week is to dedicate some time
each day, on an on-going basis, to cleaning and organizing my apartment. So, I
got up. I made it as far as my guest bedroom where I sat down at my desk,
opened my laptop and began to reply to some e-mails. I began telling myself
that just getting up this early was an accomplishment and a significant step
towards working towards actually working out and taking a renewed focus in
creating a healthy lifestyle. I do sincerely believe this by the way. You
should recognize any positive steps that you take and speak encouragingly to
yourself.
As I sat there at the desk, I
reminded myself that, while most days, for me, are book pretty much
back-to-back, today does have some flexibility in it in the morning. I could
still make time for the gym if I’m really committed to doing this; so, I got up
and grabbed my car keys. I hate having little tags and crap on my keys, but I
had actually put the little gym card on there; because, I knew that, if I
didn’t, not being able to find the card or forgetting the card would be my
excuse. I went outside and got into the car. There was incredibly dense fog
this morning. Again, my mind started trying to talk me out of it. Visibility is
low. Driving there might not be safe. I don’t want my effort to get healthier
to end with me being dead. Maybe I should just stay home, but I didn’t.
After driving to the gym, I, again,
gave myself a little praise and told myself “good job.” Every step in
establishing a new practice is significant. Again, I sat in the car wondering
if I’d gotten enough “good jobs” for the day, but I decided that I was here. I
might as well go in. Now, I should also share with you that, packaged in this,
is another parallel channel of self-talk that’s going on. For me, the guy who
was not only gay but also into pretty geeky things growing up, gym class in
school was a pretty rough, sometimes traumatizing, experience. All of that
comes with me when it comes to going to the gym and working out. I become that
hesitant, awkward kid again in my head. Now, I am also someone who won’t let
myself get away with that. I have never experienced that kind of overt
judgment, teasing, and ridicule as an adult in a setting like this; so; for me,
it’s much like getting a shot at the doctor’s office. I dread the experience each
time, but, also, each time, I remind myself, again, as if speaking to a child, “See?
That wasn’t so bad.”
Anyway, I did make it inside the
gym, and I did accomplish my goal for today, and every day this week, which is
just to go in, do 30 minutes on the treadmill, and leave. That’s it. This week
is really just about establishing the habit of going, and, when I was done, I,
again told myself, “Good job, buddy.”
