Leaning Into the Fear

Higher Education has its advantages, and it certainly has its frustrations. I don’t believe I’ve ever spoken to a single person who could say that every piece of information or skill that they learned through their college years. Some of those maybe-not-so-necessary classes weren’t all bad though, right? In fact, we chose some of them because they were fun, and we’re taught to believe that those, seemingly, extraneous courses make us into more well-rounded people, right?

So, why do we cease seeing things through that lens after earning our degrees? Between elementary school, high school, my associate’s degree, my bachelor’s, and my master’s, I have spent more years inside an academic setting than outside of one. Outside of working and other obligations, I generally spend my time engaged in activities to give back to the community or just relaxing for an hour or two a day to recover before going to bed and getting up to engage in the activities of the next day. Taking the time to engage in activities purely for fun or because I want to learn about something new and interesting generally evokes a feeling of guilt within me.

I recognize that this guilt serves a double purpose though; because, it actually protects me. If I don’t give myself permission to explore new and interesting ideas, I don’t have to face the possibility of failing in those endeavors and being embarrassed. The guilt keeps me safe. I mean, who can criticize me for spending large chunks of my time volunteering and investing in improving the lives of others?

So, I think it’s time to start to look at my calendar as if I were planning a college semester. I have a job that I love, and I have the pleasure of owning a small business on the side. Those are my required courses. I believe that it’s time to seek to make an intentional reframing of how I select the “electives” that round out my life. I’m thinking that it’s time to add a few “I’ve-always-wanted-to-learn-more-about-that” courses to my life. A couple of days ago, I was asked by a friend if I had made any New Year’s Resolutions. I hesitated momentarily and then said, “no.” That wasn’t exactly true. I was just too afraid in that setting to share with him what the goals are that I have set for this year. I’m not even going to share all of them here now. I will share about two of them. One is already in motion. 

In the fall of 2018, I was asked to join the Columbus Gay Men’s Chorus’ sacred ensemble, Illuminati. I very much connected with their mission of sharing a message of inclusion through song in faith spaces. Despite being absolutely terrified at the idea of singing in front of an audience, I resolved to push past my fears and sign up. I already, after just a few months, almost allowed my feelings of guilt and my relentless inner critic to persuade me to give it up. Performing as a part of the larger main chorus performances over the holidays, allowed me to get a glimpse of just what the chorus means to those who come to hear them, and I am encouraged as I think of ways in which the mission and message of Illuminati in particular could be widened and amplified to minister to the wounds that so many within the LGBTQIA+ community have experienced at the hands of unaffirming and exclusionary communities of faith.

       The next area of fear and vulnerability that I have set my sights on is actually an area in which I dabbled before…poetry. I took a poetry course while I was finishing up my bachelor’s at Ohio University. I took it then because it terrified me then just as it terrifies me now. I haven’t dabbled in that arena for years though, and the part that excites me the most is that, when I took that course, I was still living as an ex-gay. I remember that a couple of the poems that I wrote were even about a girl that I was dating at the time. Thinking about picking up a pen and starting to write poetry now, living as my full and authentic self, feels exciting and empowering. I will be attending a poetry writing workshop later tonight. I am absolutely terrified, and I know that, in this instance, I need to lean into my fear rather than retreat from it.

I’ll be sure to let you all know how it goes, and, maybe, eventually I’ll feel safe enough to share some of my poetry on this blog. Thank you so much for reading and joining me on this journey of seeking to be a better me!

~Culbs

P.S. Oh. And a resumption of blogging is also a part of my effort to challenge myself to get beyond my fears and strive to become more comfortable with sharing parts of myself that make me feel vulnerable in new and creative ways!