Okay. It’s time for a moment of honesty. This isn’t a blog that I want to write. My other blog, Authentic Culbs. That one I can get excited about. Ever since I made the first post on this one, I’ve felt the motivation to right at all leave me. You know who does want me to write this blog? My therapist. That should tell you a lot right there. As much as I don’t want to write this blog, I know that this is the blog that I need to write. This is the blog that has the potential to alter how I approach my finances, my health, my relationships, and how I engage in and with the world around me, but it can only do those things if I approach it with the same level of openness and authenticity that I bring to my other blog.
It is interesting to me, as I reflect on where I was 5 or 6 years ago. I had a blog back then as well. This was during the time that I was asking myself really difficult questions about my sexuality and my identity as a Christian and whether or not those two different pieces of me could be at peace with one another. Those were the questions and changes that I was really wrestling with, but it was easier for me to write about how my life was changing in terms of fitness and managing my finances. Now, I find myself in a position, having worked through those questions of identity, where it is easier to write about my journey of self-acceptance, as some who is both a gay man and a person of faith, than it is to write openly and honestly about my health, my finances, and other areas of my life. I am still hiding the area of my life where the hardest work needs to be done behind a facade.
To be honest, I am realizing that I concealed my struggle with my sexual and spiritual identities before because I did not have the knowledge or tools to work through those questions. Now, I am realizing the inverse is true. I feel secure in who I am, but I realize that somehow I’ve failed to pick up the skills necessary to effectively manage critical areas of my life. Could I blame others for this? Absolutely. I’ve already begun working through the roots of how I got to be who I am today. Blaming others doesn’t help me move forward though. Just as with my struggles with my sexuality, people are often amazed, upon hearing my story, that I am not bitter or angry at those who supported my belief that I was broken in some way and needed to be fixed. How can I be angry with people who, out of their love and desire to help someone in need, helped me attempt to do exactly what I asked them to do. Do I now see the world through a different lens than they do? Yes, but I can’t bring myself to feel anger or malice towards them. I just can’t. In their own way, they were expressing love towards me. My health, my finances, my ability or organize and prioritize my life are all things that only I can own, and there have been many points along the way that I have known that better choices needed to be made and have gone in a different direction. Now comes the difficult work of educating myself and making better choices in the future.
As far as how I am defining better, I will consider myself moving in the right direction when a choice brings me closer to being healthier and more sustainable in terms of my health or finances. I am also looking to improve my ability to organize myself both interns of the spaces that I occupy and with how I manage the most valuable resource we all have, my time. I am also seeking to being myself more into line with other ideals that are important to me such as seeking justice and fair treatment for my other human inhabitants of this small planet as well as moving to a place of better relationship with the environment and the world around me.
One small step that I made just today was locating a recycling station just down the road from where I live. Since I moved this past November, I now live several miles from where I used to take my recyclables, and I have never bothered to find a place to take things near my new home. It’s not that it never crossed my mind. I just kept putting it off. I was embarrassed today when I discovered that the closest recycling station to me is less than a mile from where I live and on my way to work. It was as simple as going to http://swaco.org. They list numerous sites around the Columbus area where recyclables can be dropped off. It’s a small step, but it’s a step in the right direction. If I keep making small steps like that every day, hopefully, I will indeed become a better Culbs, a better me.
- Culbs
© Joshua Culbertson 2014
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